Living on the edge

This is not a bitch or a moan or anything… more of an observation of myself.

I have given up smoking, so my whole life is currently out of kilter. I am living on the edge.

The moodswings are instantaneaous, directed, and I have absolutely no tolerance for fools right now. Example A: Yesterday, a work colleague asked me to fix something on her computer. When I said that the system was too old, and that ‘it’s not gonna happen,’ they argued with me, saying that there is not such word as ‘can’t.’  I repeated, ‘it’s not going to happen,’ and yet they argued with me again. They told me that I might have thought that was what I said, but that I definitely said the word ‘can’t’. This was when I turned around and finally snapped. “I am more than aware of what came out of my mouth, and it definitely wasn’t the word ‘can’t’ – if it was anything in that vein – it would have been ‘can not’, but it wasn’t. even. remotely. close.”

That shut them up. Not only can I not stand the word ‘can’t’, but I definitely did not utter it. Seriously? Seriously. Do I seriously have to put up with this sort of behaviour in my workplace when I am doing a favour for someone who is too computer illerate to work things out for themselves? Yeah. Remind me to say no next time. Then they might actually take my word for it. 

But it’s all good. I’m on Day Five of no smoking… and just taking each day at a time. The biggest problem I’m facing at the moment is that my house is way to clean… and I am drinking way too much coffee as I try and replace my nicotine addiction with caffeine and cleaning. Must do something about that…

Oh, and I can’t write.

No – I mean… I can write – it’s just that I can’t write right now. No concentration, nerves are practically shattering, and my temper is something that Athena, the Goddess of War and Battle Strategies would be bloody proud of. Yep – I’m doing good. 🙂

What amazes me even more, is that throughout this whole thing – my husband still has his cheerleading outfit on, and is waving his pom poms at me, cheering me on every step of the way. That man has the patience of a god. If I was married to me in this state, I probably would have left me by now.

That’s my update. Sorry it’s not very entertaining, but I’ll take it that you’ll believe me when I say, “I’m not really in the mood….”  😉

Get back to writing.

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12 Comments

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  1. I’m right there with your hubby! You’re doing great. You’ve only bitten off one…or a few…heads 🙂 My hubby gave up smoking several years ago, and is now trying to quit chew (EW!!) so I know the feeling with having to deal with a grump. You’ll get over this hump soon enough. Good for you for taking it one day at a time.

    Now if only I could whack off a few heads of my own…I’ll be blogging about it because I’m super riled 🙂 So I get that “used” part too!

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    1. Oh yes, head chewing/wacking/smahing is great stress relief. Definitely try it sometime. Finally I have an excuse to say what I’m really thinking, instead of trying to be diplomatic towards my colleagues so I don’t hurt their feelings 🙂

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  2. Hi Athena! Been a long time since you made a noise 🙂
    Seriously though Chick – I am really really really really really (1 for each day not smoking) proud of you.
    Smoking is a serious addiction and they say that other than heroin, it is the most difficult addiction to kick. Five days already kicked means you are kicking it hun! So pat yourself on the back! You deserve it!
    You should try some stream of conscious writing…write whatever comes in to your mind – use the mood swings, the rage, the Athena complex – could be gold for some villain scenes. Even use the computer-illiterate person in a fight scene where you decapitate their thoughtless head.
    We are right here with you Chick cheering you on!
    My money is on Athena kicking this to the dust!
    😉
    -Kim

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    1. Athena is well and truly unleashed! And she’s loving it!
      But that sounds like a great idea, Kim – conscious writing would make for great reading later on when I’m feeling normal again. If I ever feel normal again. We’ll see. I did find that writing long hand helped pull my focus a bit.

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  3. Wow. Congrats for making that decision. It’s a hard habit to kick. My mother quit a few years back and it was a rough little while with her :-p But I’m right with your husband, you’re doing GREAT. It’s not an easy thing to do and yet, you’re doing it. That’s pretty damn awesome. And heck, if you bite off a few heads along the way… meh, who doesn’t? I’d have gotten snappy with that person too and I’m not battling down an addiction. If they were asking for a favor, they shouldn’t have been hassling you over your response.

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    1. Oh, I couldn’t agree more, Sadie! honestly. Do not argue with a woman on the edge – it’s not a good plan. In fact, a few more heads were publicly bitten off yesterday in meetings… but I bit them nicely 🙂 Ah well. I think that Athena has bought out the ‘don’t mess with me’ look that I seem to be wearing a lot lately! Life’s trials and tribulations. Could almost write a book about it. (LOL!)

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  4. Hey hun- tonnes of admiration for you right now. What you are doing takes great courage. It’s easy to pick a battle that is physical and outside of you, but when you battle is internal it get a whole lot more difficult. The people that matter and who care for you will be by your side every step of the way. Feel free to yell ‘Buzz Off’ or ‘Where’s that shoulder you offered’ anytime….
    Applause and cheers for you girl!
    xx Tee

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    1. Aw Sweetpea, I just saw your blog post!
      You rock my little critter world, my buddy, and I’m stoked that I have treasures like you with me along the way. It’s a hell of a ride!

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    1. Definitely, Michelle – Husband is a treasure. Absolute treasure. I’m amazed with the amount that he puts up with from me when I’m in this sort of state! Yes… will definitely be better on the other side. Can’t wait for these cravings to subside, and then I’ll be able to focus on the real work at hand 🙂

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    1. Thank you – and welcome to Parchment Place! Lovely to see you stopping by and hanging out with me here. 🙂
      I must admit – I’m now on Day 6 – and I *think* it’s getting better? Eeek. All good. One day at a time.

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