Let’s talk about death

Mum 1Three weeks ago I lost my mother to cancer. She initially had cancer 18 months ago, and went through a 22-hour jaw replacement operation. Although she was in remission, in January, we found out that she had secondary cancer throughout her lymph gland system. On my birthday, I found out that she was terminal. Five days later, she was gone. Worst birthday ever, and one that I will never ever forget.

Now I have this huge gaping hole in my heart. It has been a whirlwind of a time over the last three weeks, with the clearing out of her house, and trucking down the precious possessions that she had to my place. Now… well. Now I feel vacant, and absolutely exhausted.

They say that losing a parent is one of the hardest things someone goes through, especially if it’s so unexpected. I don’t even think I’ve had time to really deal with it yet either. I’ve been so focused on all of the estate stuff, that actually dealing with my own grief has taken been put on the back-burner.

Breakers Coro
Whangapoua Holiday Home, Coromandal, NZ

I would like nothing more than to stay at home or disappear by myself at the moment, and recharge – rediscover who I am without her in my life, and really think hard about where I’m going or what I want to do But it’s not going to happen. Since Mum passed, I have been loaded with some huge debt, and I need to deal with that and find a way around it. This absolutely scares the fuck out of me.

Life doesn’t play nicely sometimes, and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and all that… but right now I am not strong. I’m fumbling my way through the dark and barely functioning. I didn’t have a chance to tell her everything that I needed to say, or to tell her how much I love her. Nor did I have the strength to lend her to get through this. Admittedly she was seriously stubborn, but I wish that there could have been more that I could have done.

Right now I am a broken daughter…

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10 Comments

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  1. I’m sorry for your loss. You can still talk to her now. We will never know if she can hear or not, but you will feel better after talking 🙂 you can just do it in your room looking at her photo. That’s what I do sometimes when I want to talk to my Father. And I often feel better afterwards.

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  2. I can relate and I am really sorry to hear about this. It seems as if life can be very cruel at times however I believe however that good must come from difficult and challenging events and so I hope that in time you will find the good unfolding from this experience. Until then seek comfort from those closest to you.

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  3. Sending you lots of hugs, love and strength to you my friend xox ❤️❤️❤️. My Mum passed from cancer in 2001. While she was sick and after she passed, I did the hard yards, my sisters were in denial over the whole thing and my brother was living overseas. Without Rae and our kids, I don’t think I would have had the strength to carry on. We did what we did for Mum because we love her. We also cared for my Dad until he passed in 2012. I still haven’t grieved for my Mum, it just won’t come out. That’s one of the reasons I moved to Western Australia. Love you my friend, go well and God bless xox

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  4. Dear Kate, I wrote this early in my grief , it still , will always mean the same now as then, I have never shared with anyone till now , I have written so much but shall hopefully put together and publish ! Hope this can be supportive to you at this time, each day brings a new tomorrow , losing your mum is hurting so bad, Reflecting these past few weeks, years, photos a lifetime of you and mum, good times, happy, sad all these emotion s let them come and go, laugh and cry, Kate, hope these words help ! X
    This is my grief and mine alone
    I own it, it is individualised to me
    No one other than me can feel the pain
    See the image’s and vision’s I see
    Of my loved ones so close to me
    Feel my heart ache with the memories
    Happy times too which make me smile
    Yes I am so glad to be alive
    To be able to smile, laugh and cry
    For now let me own my grief
    It comes and goes
    Non-one no! no-one knows
    When? Where? It will come and go
    A moment is what I like to call it
    A memory too, life in a flash
    A few silent tears
    Nobody hears as they fall
    Harms no-one at all none of how it should be
    Just let it be for now
    For me to
    Be at peace with myself
    While time helps to heal
    It’s early days
    Please understand
    I am me,
    This is my own grief
    Help me by just being there
    When I ask you to be there for me
    Please! Let me be me in my time of grief
    Am not hurting anybody
    Don’t try to imagine
    How my grief can be
    It’s individualised to me
    There is no normal
    Only opinions of how it should be
    Just let it be for now
    For me to be at peace with myself
    While time helps to heal
    Its early days
    Please understand I am me
    This is my own grief
    Help me by just being there
    When I ask you to be there for me
    Please let me be me in my time of grief
    Chris x

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