Three weeks ago I lost my mother to cancer. She initially had cancer 18 months ago, and went through a 22-hour jaw replacement operation. Although she was in remission, in January, we found out that she had secondary cancer throughout her lymph gland system. On my birthday, I found out that she was terminal. Five days later, she was gone. Worst birthday ever, and one that I will never ever forget.
Now I have this huge gaping hole in my heart. It has been a whirlwind of a time over the last three weeks, with the clearing out of her house, and trucking down the precious possessions that she had to my place. Now… well. Now I feel vacant, and absolutely exhausted.
They say that losing a parent is one of the hardest things someone goes through, especially if it’s so unexpected. I don’t even think I’ve had time to really deal with it yet either. I’ve been so focused on all of the estate stuff, that actually dealing with my own grief has taken been put on the back-burner.
I would like nothing more than to stay at home or disappear by myself at the moment, and recharge – rediscover who I am without her in my life, and really think hard about where I’m going or what I want to do But it’s not going to happen. Since Mum passed, I have been loaded with some huge debt, and I need to deal with that and find a way around it. This absolutely scares the fuck out of me.
Life doesn’t play nicely sometimes, and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and all that… but right now I am not strong. I’m fumbling my way through the dark and barely functioning. I didn’t have a chance to tell her everything that I needed to say, or to tell her how much I love her. Nor did I have the strength to lend her to get through this. Admittedly she was seriously stubborn, but I wish that there could have been more that I could have done.
Right now I am a broken daughter…